That phone call

When the whole process begins there is always the phone call from one family member to another.  the phone call saying that the child or children have been removed form their parents and inevitably the question of who, in the family is going to step forward and take that child or children in.

This phone call catches people unaware, it throws their thinking into several stages of thought in such a short space of time.  There is shock, grief, anger and upset for everyone involved with the child in question.  As the person making the call ( the caller ) and asking the question of who will step forward, for instance the grandparent, there is  a fear of people saying I can't do it. There is also guilt caused by the fact that this is their grandchild that they are now trying to find a home for and there is guilt that they know that they cannot do it which is why they are making that call.  

This can often cause friction because the caller can be misinterpreted as trying to boss the family around while they are only trying to ensure the child or children stay within the family.  There tone or wording may be slightly off but this is because they are distracted by their fear and guilt. 

For the person receiving that call (the recipient) there is disbelief, and there is guilt.  The guilt automatically rises as the recipient asks who else has been asked because there is the fear that these questions may be mistaken for an attitude of not wanting to step forward.  On the one hand what the recipient is actually doing, however is making sure they do not step on anyone else's toes.  On the other hand the recipient may not be capable of taking on a child due to health reasons, age or even financial reasons. 

Both of these perceptions can cause friction as these misinterpreted questions can cause the caller to think of the recipient as selfish or self centred, this is a transference of emotions from the caller to the recipient caused by the guilt the caller feels because they cannot take on the child. 

Throughout all of this the people that want to help feel like they are stepping on some one else's toes and in reality, most often this takes form of animosity between the family member that steps forward and the child's parent.  The ones that can't take on the child are mentally punishing themselves because they feel like they have let the child down.  They are the people that will stop eating, get little sleep and worry until they know that the child has been placed with a family member.

Much of this is overlooked and can cause friction within the family.  Many family members will close themselves  off unconsciously and eventually they disappear into the background and are accused of falling out with people.  To avoid this, call them to keep them up to date with good news or just a general chat.  This will keep the family unit strong for the child in question when they are placed with someone, rather than have the child loosing contact with people they used to see regularly.  Much of the time the people involved are not acting as they would normally because they are feeling guilty for letting the child down, when in fact, it is not always possible to commit to this and they need other people to re-assure them of this.

Once a family member has agreed to step forward the child is placed and the question is then posed by officials on whether that family member is capable of taking the child over a period of time and everyone re- thinks there lives trying to figure out whether they can accommodate a child.  

Many of the things over looked in the first few days after the initial phone call can cause family friction at later stages.  Whilst many of the things that are not over looked; the emotional aspects, can cause instant friction between family members and leave certain members feeling excluded or worse, these also cause a domino effect throughout the latter stages of kinship care and can cause issues in the official stages of kinship care.  

There are many stages to this process which will be discussed in separate posts but for now think back to that day you received that phone call and try to understand that there are many emotions involved in that 5 minute phone call for all family members involved. If you are currently going through this early stage and can understand everyone's point of view things may be a little easier to get through.