When you are asked to take a child initially, it is normally
on a temporary basis in the hopes that something can be arranged at a later
stage to rejoin the child back with the parents. There are many family conversations that go
on about who can do this and why, guilt normally drives these types of response
from family members when the initial shock is over and family members are still
not aware of the whole scenario. It may
be a family member states they can take the child for a few weeks only, and the
rest of the family are looking for an alternative plan to keep the child in the
family. Some people have children
already and will say that they can do this because it’s just one more child, some
people don’t have kids and say they will offer to do it as its only one child.
Although this is a normal reaction, the child’s situation is
sometimes lost in amongst the worry of the adults. The child will be hurt, lost and confused and
there is the possibility that that child will have several deep rooted issues
that cause behavioural issues or emotional issues if not treated carefully at
the time. This takes time, patience and
some degree of understanding. If you have
this and can cope with your day to day routine sometimes being stretched out a
little, the child may come around and settle in to your family routine.
Children around the age of 4 - 6 are still in early
cognitive development so don’t always know how to express themselves, this causes
frustration and temper tantrums in some cases.
As a carer you need to be able to identify whether the tantrum is due to
frustrations of being unable to express their feelings about being with you, or
whether this is a tantrum about not getting what they want. These two types of tantrum are treated
slightly differently in that the latter type comes with some form of boundary setting;
the former just needs words of comfort and hugs. Caring for a younger child with this type of
confusion is more complex than it first seems so if you are thinking of taking
on a child, it is advisable to think carefully about the above scenarios as
beginner scenarios and figure out how you will cope with these and if you have
children, how they will cope with these.
Children older than the age of 5 or 6 can also go through
these stages and are still in early development however they can express words
and sentences. When you listen to any 5 year old you know that they say exactly
as it happened without understanding the implications of what they said. You may be caught in a conversation with the
child about normal daily things, but something relates to the Childs past and
they will say it. This can be something
simple such as something their parents used to cook for them, or it can be
something that happened to them, which caused them to be in your care. As the adult, you can understand the
implications a lot more clearly than the child but you must not let the child
see this. There are some things that
will catch your breath and bring tears to your eyes but you need to smile and
let the child carry on. Once they have
said it, it’s forgotten and they move on to the next interesting thing and it
is you that is now left with a memory you don’t want. Depending on the circumstances you need to
talk to your partner about it or the social worker or even your doctor as you
need an outlet for this information. It
is not uncommon for carers to suffer secondary trauma so it is important that
you can speak to someone too.
With older children you may have the opposite effect where
they close themselves off and do not create a bond with anyone. You need to be the one to make that fist
move, gain their trust and try and find a common ground with them. Sometimes it is useful to try and find out if
there was anything they really wanted to do when they were younger, such as
going to an adventure playground or a theme park or even something like playing
hide and seek or having a birthday party.
It is normal for older children in care to make a bond with someone who
takes them back to younger years and replaces the things they missed.
When considering taking on a child of any age these are just
some of the things to consider. If you
have other children you must think about your relationship with them and you
must find a way to involve them in the decision of taking on another child or
you could find that your own children rebel a little. If you have no children, you need to be
willing to take on board all of the advice you can get from the social workers
as they do have the psychological background to support you with any of the
above issues and more. Finally, the temporary situation does not
always end with the child being rejoined with their parents so you may need to
consider whether you can do this permanently.
This decision however, is for
another post.
