University, Work and Kinship Caring

Being a kinship carer can be the most complicated thing a person could ever do due to both the legal aspects of caring and the emotional impact to the child and the carers.   Add this to everyday turmoil and it can seem like a never ending test of your sanity. It takes dedication, passion and determination.  I have questioned my own determination and asked myself several times in the last 3 years should I just give up university and thanks to my man I have not given up yet.  I passed my exams and am now heading into year three of my psychology course.  The child we care for has been living with us for 3 and a half years now and I even managed to get a job working with Autistic people with hours that suit school hours and summer holidays.  I may have questioned my determination, but my passion and my dedication as they listen to my man and seem to dictate my actions and re-motivate my determination. These three attributes, as you will discover, they are key, to caring for a young child.

This is a vast improvement on where we were just a few short months ago when we were looking at having no spending cash over the holidays and then had to move as our landlord at the time, wanted the house up for sale.  Stress and hopelessness were the first emotions to deal with (or rather, in my case, kick to the kerb) and then after a lot of running around and re-arranging finances we managed to get a new private rent which suits everyone for work, school and university.   The child we care for was in tears thinking they would loose all their friends, I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth wondering how I was going to get through the exams and my man had the burden of being the only person with a regular wage to cover bills and a new higher rent as rent has gone up by around £200 since we last moved.  This was probably one of the hardest times we have been through but we did it.

We did it as a team, we (the adults) ran around sorting the finances and new flat out whilst we involved the little one (hardly little at nine years old but little to us), they helped us pack as best as a nine year old can and they made us the odd coffee when we were literally too tired to move.  They also helped to choose the house and we did give a true choice to them, there was a house and as lovely as it was their response was that it did not feel like them", so we didn't take it.  Don't get me wrong, if there was nothing else maybe things would have been different but we were lucky enough to have a little time to look for something else, so we did.  We were all moved in and settled in about 2 weeks and things were much less hectic after that.  I did lose some revision time for my exams and didn't get the best results but I passed and now get to go on to year 3, one year closer to the end goal.  I even managed to get that job that suits all hours and it's in a field that really interests me, and I continue to learn from that too.  My man doesn't have to shoulder the burden of finances over the holidays either as I have my own cash to cover days out and help with shopping and it all works together.

I walked past a kinship carer poster today which stated that "It's hard work, but it's worth it"

I cannot tell you how true these words are but to see the changes we see every day, the confidence growing, to hear the teachers praise the child, to see the glowing school report and most of all, to hear the laughter, the laughter always makes you smile; these are the things that remind me that we do this because we care about that child's future, we do the things we do to make a better life for that child and that if we give up, we are only showing the child how to give up too.  My man reminded me of this when we were in the midst of finding a new home.  That childs confidence, intelligence and their laughter, re-confirm this to me every day.  So yes, it is hard work, but that work is not always down to the child, sometimes it is down to the fact that you are trying to build something better but it is always worth it for the child because they do see the hard work, the long study nights, the tired mornings, the dedication, passion and determination, but most important to them is that they see the accomplishments and the happiness that goes with that and they love to share in that kind of happiness, especially if they think they helped you get there.

Kinship Carers and Unusual Situations

It is not always easy for the kinship carer/s of a child if they do not fit the systems idea of a kinship family unit.  Kinship carers themselves, realise that there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to taking on a child but government and corporate structures have painted a picture of this kinship family unit which does not necessarily match what real life paints.

Many Family units are made up of one or two carers either working or on benefits to support them. Where our societal system lets kinship carers down is where there are two carers, one working and one not working or one working and one student,  and one child or more.   This is where caring for a child becomes complicated.

There is no one system in place to support workers with childcare after school hours (or during school hours if the child is not of school age).  Universities have nothing in place for kinship carers and childcare costs are not accounted for, as the child is not, by birth, yours.  There is no student body to support you when you cannot make it to class because either it is, after school hours, or the child is sick.  The work place is neither equipped to deal with childcare issues, hearing requests, Looked after children reviews or child sickness either.  

When considering kinship care you must consider every aspect of your life as well as the The Complexities Behind the Decision to Care for a Child 

There are some 'work-a-rounds' but they take patience, explaining your circumstances repeatedly to different departments (whether that be at work or at university) and they all take compromises from both carers.  

So if you are a kinship carer that does not 'fit' what society expects, do not worry, you are not alone and there are others out there going through the same.  If you think you do fit but want to change it, it can be done and is being done by kinship carers scattered across the UK. 

The Complexities Behind the Decision to Care for a Child

When you are asked to take a child initially, it is normally on a temporary basis in the hopes that something can be arranged at a later stage to rejoin the child back with the parents.  There are many family conversations that go on about who can do this and why, guilt normally drives these types of response from family members when the initial shock is over and family members are still not aware of the whole scenario.  It may be a family member states they can take the child for a few weeks only, and the rest of the family are looking for an alternative plan to keep the child in the family.  Some people have children already and will say that they can do this because it’s just one more child, some people don’t have kids and say they will offer to do it as its only one child.

Although this is a normal reaction, the child’s situation is sometimes lost in amongst the worry of the adults.  The child will be hurt, lost and confused and there is the possibility that that child will have several deep rooted issues that cause behavioural issues or emotional issues if not treated carefully at the time.   This takes time, patience and some degree of understanding.  If you have this and can cope with your day to day routine sometimes being stretched out a little, the child may come around and settle in to your family routine.    

Children around the age of 4 - 6 are still in early cognitive development so don’t always know how to express themselves, this causes frustration and temper tantrums in some cases.  As a carer you need to be able to identify whether the tantrum is due to frustrations of being unable to express their feelings about being with you, or whether this is a tantrum about not getting what they want.  These two types of tantrum are treated slightly differently in that the latter type comes with some form of boundary setting; the former just needs words of comfort and hugs.   Caring for a younger child with this type of confusion is more complex than it first seems so if you are thinking of taking on a child, it is advisable to think carefully about the above scenarios as beginner scenarios and figure out how you will cope with these and if you have children, how they will cope with these.

Children older than the age of 5 or 6 can also go through these stages and are still in early development however they can express words and sentences. When you listen to any 5 year old you know that they say exactly as it happened without understanding the implications of what they said.  You may be caught in a conversation with the child about normal daily things, but something relates to the Childs past and they will say it.  This can be something simple such as something their parents used to cook for them, or it can be something that happened to them, which caused them to be in your care.  As the adult, you can understand the implications a lot more clearly than the child but you must not let the child see this.  There are some things that will catch your breath and bring tears to your eyes but you need to smile and let the child carry on.  Once they have said it, it’s forgotten and they move on to the next interesting thing and it is you that is now left with a memory you don’t want.  Depending on the circumstances you need to talk to your partner about it or the social worker or even your doctor as you need an outlet for this information.  It is not uncommon for carers to suffer secondary trauma so it is important that you can speak to someone too. 

With older children you may have the opposite effect where they close themselves off and do not create a bond with anyone.  You need to be the one to make that fist move, gain their trust and try and find a common ground with them.  Sometimes it is useful to try and find out if there was anything they really wanted to do when they were younger, such as going to an adventure playground or a theme park or even something like playing hide and seek or having a birthday party.  It is normal for older children in care to make a bond with someone who takes them back to younger years and replaces the things they missed. 

When considering taking on a child of any age these are just some of the things to consider.  If you have other children you must think about your relationship with them and you must find a way to involve them in the decision of taking on another child or you could find that your own children rebel a little.  If you have no children, you need to be willing to take on board all of the advice you can get from the social workers as they do have the psychological background to support you with any of the above issues and more.   Finally, the temporary situation does not always end with the child being rejoined with their parents so you may need to consider whether you can do this permanently.   This decision however, is for another post. 

Again I hope this helps if you are going through this process right now I wish you well and if you have any questions, please just ask

That phone call

When the whole process begins there is always the phone call from one family member to another.  the phone call saying that the child or children have been removed form their parents and inevitably the question of who, in the family is going to step forward and take that child or children in.

This phone call catches people unaware, it throws their thinking into several stages of thought in such a short space of time.  There is shock, grief, anger and upset for everyone involved with the child in question.  As the person making the call ( the caller ) and asking the question of who will step forward, for instance the grandparent, there is  a fear of people saying I can't do it. There is also guilt caused by the fact that this is their grandchild that they are now trying to find a home for and there is guilt that they know that they cannot do it which is why they are making that call.  

This can often cause friction because the caller can be misinterpreted as trying to boss the family around while they are only trying to ensure the child or children stay within the family.  There tone or wording may be slightly off but this is because they are distracted by their fear and guilt. 

For the person receiving that call (the recipient) there is disbelief, and there is guilt.  The guilt automatically rises as the recipient asks who else has been asked because there is the fear that these questions may be mistaken for an attitude of not wanting to step forward.  On the one hand what the recipient is actually doing, however is making sure they do not step on anyone else's toes.  On the other hand the recipient may not be capable of taking on a child due to health reasons, age or even financial reasons. 

Both of these perceptions can cause friction as these misinterpreted questions can cause the caller to think of the recipient as selfish or self centred, this is a transference of emotions from the caller to the recipient caused by the guilt the caller feels because they cannot take on the child. 

Throughout all of this the people that want to help feel like they are stepping on some one else's toes and in reality, most often this takes form of animosity between the family member that steps forward and the child's parent.  The ones that can't take on the child are mentally punishing themselves because they feel like they have let the child down.  They are the people that will stop eating, get little sleep and worry until they know that the child has been placed with a family member.

Much of this is overlooked and can cause friction within the family.  Many family members will close themselves  off unconsciously and eventually they disappear into the background and are accused of falling out with people.  To avoid this, call them to keep them up to date with good news or just a general chat.  This will keep the family unit strong for the child in question when they are placed with someone, rather than have the child loosing contact with people they used to see regularly.  Much of the time the people involved are not acting as they would normally because they are feeling guilty for letting the child down, when in fact, it is not always possible to commit to this and they need other people to re-assure them of this.

Once a family member has agreed to step forward the child is placed and the question is then posed by officials on whether that family member is capable of taking the child over a period of time and everyone re- thinks there lives trying to figure out whether they can accommodate a child.  

Many of the things over looked in the first few days after the initial phone call can cause family friction at later stages.  Whilst many of the things that are not over looked; the emotional aspects, can cause instant friction between family members and leave certain members feeling excluded or worse, these also cause a domino effect throughout the latter stages of kinship care and can cause issues in the official stages of kinship care.  

There are many stages to this process which will be discussed in separate posts but for now think back to that day you received that phone call and try to understand that there are many emotions involved in that 5 minute phone call for all family members involved. If you are currently going through this early stage and can understand everyone's point of view things may be a little easier to get through.  

An introduction to the Kinship Caring Experience

 I know there are over 15000 children in Kinship/Foster care in Scotland alone and I have worked closely with various official bodies regarding child development and child Trauma, as well as foster and kinship care.  I am currently studying Applied Psychology  BSc and have come to understand these aspects, along with many others, a lot more than I used too.

I have come to learn that there are many different Psychological aspects to Kinship caring that are not anything like foster caring.  As a foster carer you have little or no direct involvement with extended family members.  As a foster carer you have the support of social services continually.  Now I mean no insult here as I truly respect everything foster carers do and this is only being used to highlight the following difference between Foster and Kinship care.  The difference being that as Kinship carers however, there are no cut and dry routes to psychological support.  As Kinship carers, you are not only supporting a child you are dealing with all extended family as well.

This can be quite daunting, especially were the child's removal from the parent was not amicable.  Initially the Kinship carer is left to pick up the pieces of other family members as well as supply a new home and reparative caring  for a child who is feeling insecure in this new place, unsure of there new surroundings and often confused about why they are there.  There are countless questions thrown at Kinship carers from family members and many answers given by them are accepted.  Many however are not, creating cross questioning and repeat questioning.  Kinship carers are not qualified, in any way, to deal with this type of pressure but many find they have no support to fall back on for this.

Glasgow has no hard and fast guidelines for this sort of support and it is only over the last year that Edinburgh began running a pilot support scheme for kinship carers aimed at specifically helping to advise and guide kinship carers as they deal with the situation, thankfully the funding for this has been extended. They help carers understand the legal processes and deal with the psychological impact throughout the whole process.  This support is limited to very  few families however so I thought that by creating this blog, it may give some support to the Kinship carers out there that cant find what they are looking for.

I hope to give you the most informative information on what to expect form the child you are caring for.  I will also be bringing some Psychological insight into how to deal with family members throughout the process you are taken through as a Kinship carer.

I hope you find something here that will help you through the many different aspects of Kinship care and look forward to hearing some of your thoughts.